


Piranha Shadows

by Mordukai



Series: The Doctor and the Parallel Universes [2]
Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Doctor Who
Genre: Crack Fic, Crossover, Gen, Unseen University, general squabbling between academicals, probably counts as a, rincewind always draws the short straw, stay out of the shadows, the librarian is grumpy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-15 00:40:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13601886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mordukai/pseuds/Mordukai
Summary: Something is living in the shadows at the unseen university. People have gone missing, but the academicals don't want to listen. The Doctor arrives to save the day, and cause some chaos in the process.





	Piranha Shadows

**Author's Note:**

> This was written when I was fifteen I think? I'm migrating fics from ffn.net to here.

The TARDIS faded into existence in a very quiet, very dark corner of the Unseen University. The Doctor stepped out of the door and straightened his bow tie before striding off down the corridor.

It wasn't only the intelligent rats, however, who saw him appear. Mr Nutt, the university's best candle dribbler, watched with amazement as the strange, bow tie wearing man exited the small, blue box and disappeared off into the shadows.

Do not draw attention to yourself.

Mr Nutt turned his back on the strange sight and returned to his work. He needed to prove his worth, after all.

-

The Doctor burst into the Uncommon Room with the force of a small elephant. His entry was so violent that a couple of the older wizards fainted into their armchairs.

"Now, see here-" blustered Ridcully, almost getting to his feet but changing his mind at the last moment and staying seated. Not every wizard in the room had claim of a chair and he remembered the rhyme clearly: 'On your feet, lose your seat.'

"I'm looking for the librarian," announced the Doctor. "Oh, and by the way, you really need a few signposts in here. I got lost several times just trying to find you."

"Well- You- Who are you?" asked Ridcully, deciding that this petulant man warranted drastic measures. He stood up. In a flash, his seat was filled by one of the lurkers.

"I'm the Doctor. You know, a time lord and all that. Now, it really is vital that I find the librarian."

"Well you won't find him here," said Ridcully.

A few other wizards shook their heads and murmured disapprovingly. This man obviously had no idea about university protocols.

"Why don't you try the library?" Ridcully suggested sarcastically.

"Ah yes… That might be a good idea." The Doctor waved at Ridcully and the assembled wizards. "Well, I'll be off then… Sorry to bother you all. Enjoy your" – he leaned over and studied the low table that was laden with food – "cheese."

Then he darted out of the Uncommon Room.

The door slammed shut behind him and the Uncommon Room returned to its original state of happy chaos.

-

The Doctor charged down yet another corridor. He was sure that the university was leading him round in circles.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are!" he called.

A moment later he almost ploughed through Mr Nutt.

"Back here again," he muttered to himself when he caught a glimpse of his TARDIS a few feet away. "Now, how in Rassilon's name did I manage that?"

"Excuse me," said Nutt, ever the polite one. "Do you need any help?"

The Doctor looked down, distracted.

"No, no, of course not- I mean yes. Help would be good."

Nutt looked at him in bewilderment.

"What do you need help with?" he asked, still being helpful.

"What was that?" asked the Doctor. "Oh yes, help. I'm looking for the librarian." He knelt down. "It's an emergency," he whispered. Then he leapt to his feet. "What are we waiting for? Come on!"

He ran off again with Nutt simply staring after him. Then the Doctor turned.

"Well, aren't you going to show me?"

Nutt stared at him. Then he said, "It's this way."

"Right you are," said the Doctor, changing course and following the bemused Mr Nutt.

-

"Here is the library," said Nutt. "Please excuse me; I have to get back to my candles."

"Very well," said the Doctor with a manic grin. "Thank you very much! Now off you go, I'll find the librarian easily."

Mr Nutt hurried away, wondering who in the Gods' names the strange man in the tweed jacket was.

The eleventh Doctor pushed open the library door.

"Hello? Is there anybody in there?" he called. "Come on, I know you're hiding in there somewhere."

He stepped inside the endless room, taking care to avoid the shadows cast by the high wooden shelves. He could smell them.

There was something moving a few feet away from the Doctor. Something orange.

"Come on, I won't bite. Well... you might. I'd better keep my fingers to myself..."

He trailed off.

The orange shape moved closer.

"I have a banana for you," called the Doctor.

The orange shape bounded over to him.

"There you are," said the Doctor, reaching out to pat the orang-utan's head. The creature bared its teeth in a rather menacing grin and the Doctor pulled his hand away quickly. "Oops, forgot about that," he said. He then proceeded to search his pockets frantically.

The orang-utan growled.

"Hush, I have it here somewhere," the Doctor assured him. Eventually, he pulled a yellow item out of his back trouser pocket. "Aha! Here it is!"

He brandished the banana at the librarian who looked at it with distaste. He must have decided that it wasn't too bad, though, because a moment later it was gone and a smug, almost content smile was plastered across the ape's wrinkly face.

The Doctor bent down, his nose close to the librarian's.

"I have something important to tell you."

The ape cocked his head to one side.

"Stay out of the shadows."

-

"They're back!"

The Doctor's announcement roused the academicals.

"Why is he still here?"

"I thought we got rid of this guy?"

"What's back?"

"I don't care, go away."

"Perhaps we should listen to him..."

"Shut up!"

The Doctor glared at them all.

"The Vashta Nerada are back. Any one of you set foot in the shadows of this building and your skin'll be shredded off you until all that's left is a skeleton. They're piranhas. Alien piranhas. You ever heard of piranhas? Well, they're like piranhas."

"I would have thought that if there were flesh-eating vashy arder things in our library, we would know about it," said Ridcully sceptically.

"What do you think happened to your night kitchen staff? There are only three left. The former Dean-"

"He's at Brazeneck College now."

"-No, former former. The one who was so old-"

"Died in his sleep."

"-You never found the body! And your candle dribblers! The library is rarely lit now because they're all so scared."

The academicals were silent. Not one of them moved, not even the most hungry of them.

"Do you understand?" the Doctor asked, almost screaming. He took a deep breath. "Do you get it?" he said, calmer now.

"But how do we get rid of them?" asked a terrified Rincewind, panic stricken.

"I"- The Doctor paused.-"I don't know. Have you gentlemen got any ideas?"

The assembly of wizards stared at him, their jaws almost scraping the floor.

Ridcully stood up, forgetting for one crucial moment about the unwritten law.

"Aha, a volunteer!" exclaimed the Doctor with a wild grin. "What's your plan, Mr Ridcully?"

Ridcully tried to sit down but found that the worm Rincewind had taken his seat. He glared at the offending wizard and then returned his gaze to the Doctor.

"We need a light," said the Doctor, prompting the wizards. "Light to scare those shadows away, back through the cracks and into the other library. Surely you have some magic that can help us?"

"Well," said Ridcully, feeling a bit stupid now that he had no seat. "Well, there is one way that might work."

"Oh?" asked the Doctor, leaning in closer.

"There is something, the other colour."

The room fell so silent you would have been able to hear a pin drop; if anyone had a pin to drop, that is.

"The 'other colour'..." mused the Doctor. "What is this other colour?"

"The eigh-" began Rincewind, speaking from his position on Ridcully's seat.

"Shhhhh!" hissed an angry chorus of wizards.

"What's the eigh-" asked the Doctor.

"Shhhhh!" hissed the wizards again.

Ridcully stood up straighter.

"The seven-plus-one colour is something that we can't tell you about," he stated, eyeing the Doctor's tweed jacket and jaunty bow tie with distrust.

"I would have thought you'd have realised the danger you're all in," hissed the Doctor. "One wrong step and you'll be stripped to the bone. One wrong turn and there'll be nothing left of you but bones. Now tell me what the eighth colour is!" He roared the last line.

The wizards flinched.

"Now you've done it," muttered one of them.

Nothing happened at first and the Doctor dismissed it as fantasy.

"Well, if you lot have no ideas then we'll have to go with mine," he said regretfully.

"What's your idea?" asked Ridcully, failing to hide the curiosity in his voice.

"My idea," said the Doctor slowly, "is for everyone"- he shot out a hand and grabbed an escaping wizard by his robes- "to take one of these flashlights and chase those pesky shadows through the dimensional folds and back into their original library."

The wizards stared at him. None of them moved.

"Well isn't that just great?" said the Doctor. "I'm disappointed in you all. Well, I'm going to leave now. Remember to think of me when the Vashta Nerada strip your flesh from your bones as you lie there screaming in agony."

He turned and left the room, striding purposefully towards the library. He smiled to himself when he heard the shuffle of wizard feet behind him. He had known they would come around eventually.

-

"Right!" said the Doctor, facing the small group of rather red faced wizards. That brisk walk was probably the most exercise they had done in the past few years.

"Mmhmngh," grumbled Ridcully, clutching his sides.

"Pardon?" asked the Doctor, cupping his hand to his ear. "What was that?"

Ridcully glared at him. The wizards were good at glaring.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doctor mockingly. "Scared of the dark? Well, it's a good job I've brought you all a flashlight."

The wizards, after a moment's pause, decided unanimously that the strange man's plan was a better idea than sitting and waiting for Death and a violent scramble for torches ensued.

After three minutes and seventeen seconds, Ridcully boasted the biggest flashlight with all of the other wizards clutching ones of various sizes. All except Rincewind who was left with the pencil torch. An interesting study in social order could have been conducted on the rabble of wizards but the Doctor decided to save that for another day.

"Alright? Everybody got a torch? Let's go!"

-

The wizards followed the Doctor's lead, filing into the library, torches glowing.

"Go get them, boys," exclaimed the Doctor.

It was at this very moment that the Discworld Gods finally woke up and unleashed the eighth magic.

Of course, the Doctor didn't realise this.

-

"Where...? I don't believe it," said the Doctor after a good twenty minutes.

"What?" asked Ridcully. "What is it?"

"They're hiding from us," replied the Doctor, scratching his head. He tugged nervously at his bow tie. "The Vashta Nerada are hiding from us. Or... from someone else. Something else. But what could it be?"

"There's something else?" asked Ridcully, his voice wavering. He coughed to cover it up, but the others had already heard him.

"We're going to die!" screeched Rincewind, causing a mass wave of panic and screaming wizards.

The Doctor could sense something. Something big. Something huge. Something colossal.

"Everybody shut your eyes!" he yelled, and the wizards, desperate to save themselves from the terrible fate they had imagined, did exactly as they were told.

The Doctor screwed up his eyes just moments before the Gods unleashed hell.

The light ripped through the library like a fierce wind, ruffling pages, reverberating off shelves and destroying shadows.

The Vashta Nerada didn't have a hope in hell.

The Doctor only opened his eyes when the wind ceased. He glanced cautiously around the library which was still illuminated by the remnants of the magic blast.

"They've gone," he said. "You can all open your eyes now."

The wizards tentatively opened their eyes.

"Is it safe?" asked Ridcully.

"Perfectly," said the Doctor. "Completely and utterly. There are no shadows left. Now, I have to leave. Hopefully, you won't see me again."

Ridcully opened his mouth to reply, perhaps to ask the strange man to stay a little longer. Perhaps to thank him, although the latter was unlikely. But the man was gone, running out of the library and back to his little-big ship.

Only Mr Nutt Saw the TARDIS disappear.


End file.
